Hoovering is one of the most painful realities of dealing with a narcissist, and the single reason most victims of narcissist abuse continue to stay in the relationship. “Hoovering” is named after the vacuum cleaner…and it’s exactly what it sounds like…it’s sucking the victim back into the narcissist’s control and abuse cycle.
And, yep, I fell for it. Even as late of September of this year, just a few months ago. However, I’ve come to find out that his visit to Nashville, full of promises and weepy requests for reconciliation, was only to keep me lost in this heart breaking reality, to keep me on the hook emotionally while he solidified a new “relationship.”
Ouch. That’s right, my narcissist husband has a new paramour, but has been hoovering me/triangulating me until he had her “hooked.” As we’ve been talking about how a narcissist uses everyone in their lives, keep in mind, YOU (and me) were never a loved person to the narcissist…YOU (and me) are a chess piece in the narcissist’s game. The faces on the chess pieces may change, but the games the narcissist plays do not change.
Case in point….my narcissist husband’s new paramour/victim is not a butcher, a baker, nor a candlestick maker. Just like me, she is someone who can provide a SERVICE to the narcissist. In fact, she is providing exactly the same service that I did…that is, brand and identity building for his career.
Just like I did for my husband back when I thought we were a “team,” and were building something together, I worked hard to develop his branding and social media platform, wrote promotion articles, and I even secured his registered trademark. Now that I’m no longer there, there is a big hole to fill in order for him to realize his “career goals.”
So…guess who he “fell for”…not a person in a profession that would be no use to him such as a nurse or architect…nope. She’s a branding expert…
just. like. me.
How odd! Does my narcissist husband ONLY fall in love with/seduce branding & social media experts??? It seems so….again, how odd…right?
This poor victim is currently working on his brand, introducing him to her professional connections and allowing him to infiltrate her network of clients.
If her relationship with him is anything like mine, she’s working or “helping” for free because she is lost in the swoon of romance…or she’s doing it for a vastly reduced rate based on their new “amazing” relationship.
God, if I can give hope to anyone out there, it’s this: given time and patience, you WILL see your narcissist ex playing out the same horror story with new victims. It won’t be a new story, it will be one you are very well acquainted with after having lived it. The faces on the chess pieces will change, after all, my face was on that same chess piece. But, the game never changes for a narcissist. If you are involved with a narcissist, it is only because they find you of use.
I was very recently recommended a book on relationships, and I can NOT recommend it higher. IT IS AN ANSWER TO PRAYER. Click on it, it will take you to Amazon if you’d like a copy for yourself.
Two particular chapters in the book explained to me the fact that this relationship was always going to end up in flames and extreme heartache for me. Even if we disregard my husband’s narcissism, the book points out “fatal flaws” in relationship partners and “relationship Time Bombs.”
The signs were all right there from the beginning, but I was unable to see them. I certainly can now. Writing this blog has been my way of reconciling the realities of what happened, facing the ugly truth of the matter, and to grow in understanding so that I never go down this path again. Ugh. New paths only, okay? Okay.
Steps for Recovery:
- Get the book.
- Read it.
- Put your life back together
- Look forward to a bright, loving future with a great partner.
Remember, you are NOT a chess piece, and if you’ve found yourself being maneuvered about by a narcissist, to him/her, that’s all that you are…this is NOT a good nor healthy relationship. Nor is it normal… obviously, right? Well, it’s not so obvious when the narcissist has “hooked you” by manipulating your emotions and is making declarations of love, etc.
The one trick that narcissists use to get the most “bang for their buck” is by employing seduction. Narcissists know that if they can seduce someone, manipulate their emotions, and convince this new victim that they care for them, well, if you are that “someone” you will work your tail off for them…in exchange, you will get nothing but promises that are never kept.
Keep your chin up! Read the book. Move on to better & brighter things where you are not being used and maneuvered by a narcissist.